The Final Letter to Jeannine

Hey baby,

I have to go now. I’m so sorry. I’m not in pain and I’m not scared… the only thing I wish I could do is run to you for my last moments. God, you’re only a few miles away but you might as well be on the other side of the world as far as how close we are. I wish I could call you, but the phones are still wrecked. I want so much to hear your voice one more time.

You were always so good to me. You were more than I deserved. If you’d moved on in those two years I vanished, you would have been totally right. I couldn’t have blamed you… not after leaving you hanging like I did. And I want you to move on, I do. I want you to find a man who can love you like you deserve, not some idiot that thinks he has to save the world like I was. Find someone who puts you first, like you deserve. Find someone who can be a father to Angela, like she deserves. She’s so beautiful and so smart, just like her mother. Nothing I feel hurts more than knowing I won’t see her grow up.

I kept so much from you. My life was spent trying to fight back the darkness… thinking I could keep it away from you if I just fought hard enough. Make sure the next love of your life is someone who doesn’t need to do that. Make sure he’s someone who walks in the light rather than diving into the shadows. It really is true that you can only stare into the abyss for so long before it stares back into you.

Wilt thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

Wilt thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallow’d in, a score?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
But swear by thyself, that at my death thy Son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore;
And, having done that, thou hast done;
I fear no more.

Know how I remember that poem? It’s the first one you read to me. It’s not as good as yours, though. Keep writing, always keep writing. You’re so good, and I wish I could live to see how good you’ll one day be. I wish I’d watched more Quantum Leap with You. I wish I’d watched Dr. Who with you. I wish I’d lived to spend all the rest of our years together.

I love you.

PS Please tell Park and Torres I wanted to write to them too… my time is getting short. Tell them I’m so sorry, and I love them.

The Final Letter to Jeannine

Shadows Over Boston: Innocence Lost Zaeth ben_rae_5203